Two Love Letters

Dear Priya,

I am not your regular cliche person. I am not even your regular person. For that matter, I am not even a person. I am the person. (He he. how do you like my little grammar joke?)

I am not going to compare you to weird stuff like moon or flowers or butter flies or honey cakes. 

Everyday, when I drive to office on the bike with my salesman's uniform choking me, with my heavy sample material bag, in the heavy Bengloor traffic under dust and smoke and heat, I pass through that fountain near that what-do-you-call-it circle. Usually, that is the only pleasant thing that happens to me all day. As the spray of the fountain hits me for a few seconds when I circle the circle, I feel like I am sprayed with everything that is pure. 

That is what you are, the rare spray of purity in my otherwise cluttered life. 

You have made it quite clear to all your friends, my friends and our mutual friends that you think I am pumpkin-headed moron. I strongly protest this. My head is not shaped like a pumpkin. You could call it onion. Or even like the Taj Mahal dome. But not pumpkin. You see, pumpkins have a horizontal-oval shape. Where as my head, is somewhat vertically-oval. So, as much as I admire you already, my admiration for you will  grow if you made your comments based on geometrically correct observations. 

Oh, I liked that new black chudidhar that your "guy" gave you, but I think the neck's tad bit too deep. Also, you look thin in it. Where as you aren't actually that thin. 

Love,

Rohit Ramanna (Jr.) 

***

Dear Priya,

I write this letter under the mind-numbing circumstance of you having cried all night to me last night over phone. 

As you gave me to understand I am a bastard. Following which you asked me if I loved you. I said "No". You told me that I had told you that I loved you only a week ago. I told you that I did not promise you any sort of status quo. You repeated your opinion that I was  a bastard. Smart girl. Good logical thought process. 

Anyway, I write this letter to you because you seemed to ask the question "why" too many times. Let me first introduce you to the concept of weighted averages. I assign 'weights' to things. I rate you on 100 for various such things. I then multiply these things with weights and give you a score. The ratings are written in points and weights for each component in ( ) 

Hair : 70 (.05)

Skin complexion : 75 (.05)

Boobs and Ass : 99  (.20)

Limbs : 95 (.10)

Sweetness : 80 (.05)

Flirtation Intelligence : 90 (.05)

Married to me? : 0 (.10)

Pregnant? : -150 (.40)  {negative for positive results of pregnancy tests}

So your score is = 70 (.05)+75 (.05)+99  (.20)+95 (.10)+80 (.05)+90 (.05)+0 (.10) -150 (.40) 

                            = (-14.95)

You see, that is a negative score. No man in his sane mind will accept a negative score. Although you are absolutely near-perfect in everything else, this whole baby-inside-stomach is very score hurting. 

I hope I have communicated my logic to you comprehensively. I also hope that you will have no issues with the calculations; I have used MS Excel 2007. 

Remember, there is no greater power than that of logic. And logic demonstrated with some number-crunching is the most impenetrable kind. Since you are some sort of an MBA grad, you will absolutely appreciate this philosophy. 

Wishing you best in all future endeavours,

Dr. Ananth Balu Srirampura